Rainy days.....

Just a rainy Saturday...not much to do. That is a welcome change.
I've heard from Jeff more in the last few days than I have since September..almost!! He is now in a place where the phones and email are more accessable. We have spoken everyday since Wednesday! Crazy.
He is doing well...so are we. Just anxious for spring. I get tired of winter so quickly. The stars this time of year are beautiful though. When the sky is clear out here, the stars just shine. I leave for work when its still dark, so every now and then I take a minute to gaze before I leave. The other night, the moon was full and a few clouds were out, it was amazing. Night skies like that make me forget for a minute.
When we were young, my mom would sometimes take my brother and me to the middle of nowhere late at night and we would watch the stars. She always knew when a meteor shower was happening. We would climb on top of the car and just stare for hours. I always thought that was so cool.
The moon and stars have always had some significance in our lives. My grandfather owned a marina on the Alabama River. Every full moon, him and his friends would take the boat out in the middle of the night and howl at the moon. No joke.
Jeff and I were engaged during the full moon. We spent our first few weeks in our new house and new marriage just sitting on the back deck, looking out over the pasture and watching the sky. The most amazing lightening show I have ever seen was right here with him and the little one. We silently observed a spectular sight together.
Everytime I see the sky now, I wonder what it looks like where he is. I tell myself that at least we are still under the same sky.
Its all so strange and exciting at times, wondering what things are going to change between us. What will become stronger, what weaker. I feel that way when he is here. Maybe that's why we work. We never try to settle into one thing. We are far from routine, but have our own way. Our differences allow for so many new conversations.
Time apart brings up new questions. About the relationship, about yourself. I have to say I have a new perspective on what is important. All the little things that would bother or annoy me don't exist any more. He was already teaching me that life is short and you have to love every day. He has lost alot of friends in his line of work.....we have all lost friends and family. Just realizing how quickly things can change, how quickly people can be taken from you. It all becomes very precious.
Anyway...thoughts on a rainy day.

What a weekend!!

The birthday weekend was a complete success!! The little one's big sister flew down to surprise her...that was the best present ever!! The spend the night bash was fun. It was a crazy weekend, now to regroup!
I can't believe I am going to be 30 tomorrow...denial can be a wonderful thing!! Hopefully I will hear from Jeff, but I'm not going to expect it. I know he wants to call, but somethings you can't control.
Time to concentrate on projects and.....who am I kidding. This stinks!!!
Just a bad night I guess. Tired and full of questions about my husband. Trying not think about it just doesn't work sometimes. I guess denial only works when you're turning 30..not when you miss your true love.

We're minus a chicken...again!

Well, came home today to find that we are down a chicken. Ruby, may she rest in peace, decided to take a walk on the wrong side of the fence and got gobbled up. It was actually pretty traumatic. I didn't see the whole thing go down, just the aftermath. I walked around the garage and saw a pile a red feathers and my dalmation standing there with a tuft of red feathers hanging from her mouth. She looked at me as if to say "What, I'm a dog. What did you expect?" I couldn't really yell at just at her because the other two dogs had feathers in their mouths as well. So I commenced to yelling at everydamnbody! Of course, five minutes later they act as if nothing happened.
Oh well, you got chickens, you got dogs, go figure.
Heard from Jeff today. Just when I think its going to be forever before I talk to him again, he finds a way to call. After this time though, it may be awhile. He was about to move to another location, so who knows when he will get set up again. Its amazing how a phone call can put me at ease. Damn, I miss him. I even miss him yelling at the tv when a football game's on. (Never thought I'd say that!)
Anyway, getting ready for the big birthday spend the night party for the little one this weekend!! Whoo-hoo!! It's gonna be a good weekend. I have chosen to forget about my birthday next week because it is the big 3-0! Yeah, that's right. Everyone tells me that 30 is worse than 40, even my hubby! I'm like, thanks, needed to hear that! I really don't care about the whole age thing. My husband is few years older than me. My stepdad is 26 or so years older than my mom, and, hell, I'm still getting tattoos! No, I'm not white trash, I just choose to wear my art permanently!!
Its been one week since Jeff set off over the big blue. I can only hope that all the weeks to come will pass as quickly as this one has. Man, I love marking off those days!!

He's not a Chubina after all...

Our rooster actually works!!!! After a few months of no crowing from our rooster, Chubby Checker, the little one started calling him Chubina. Well, today, he became a man!
My husband called at 3:00am this morning and it was the best talk yet. It was clear and we didn't get cut off. He sounded so good and rested. He said they are feeding him well. I sort of spoiled him at home with eating. Being a chef, I guess I feel guilty when I don't cook dinner, so he eats pretty well.
I went back to sleep and started dreaming. It was weird because I was dreaming that his coworkers from the police department came by to check on us and I was cooking breakfast and making coffee. Everyone was gathered in my kitchen and I was updating them on Jeff. Instead of the coffee pot beeping to let me know that it was ready, it was crowing! No Joke!! It went on and on! I woke up to a kiss on the cheek and giggle from the little one. We were both laughing about Chubby finally crowing. He sounded so funny! His voice was actually sort of cracking! It was the best way to wake up. The first person I wanted to tell was Jeff. On the few mornings we got to sleep late, he would always open the blinds and we would watch the chickens first thing in the morning. We would lie in bed and listen to them clucking around and always wonder when Chubby was going to sing for us.
I'm feeling better each day that goes by....because that means more days to mark off on the calendar. Hopefully I will have so many projects to do, it will fly by...Paint the front porch, restain the back deck, put quarter round down, plant the garden, start fencing lessons (that's right!), clean out the garage (for real this time), paint the trim in the house Jeff told me I would never get around to, and help my mom at her artist's retreat! She has some land in another town with a little house and a creek and she hopes to move there when she retires. Its beautiful, peaceful, and a great place for her to concentrate on her artwork.
That's another thing I need to focus on more. I used to be darn good artist, but sort of got out the habit of sketching everyday. Now I find myself drawing tattoo designs for people. Which is cool because before he left, Jeff got one that I designed. His has alot to do with the book "Gates of Fire" by Steven Pressfield. It is a Spartan warrior with Greek lettering that says duty, honor, country.
The book is historial fiction. It is about the battle of Thermopylae, where the Spartan army stood 300 strong against the Persian army. It was considered a suicide mission, but it bought valuable time for the rest of the Greek army to rally their forces. The warriors are born into "a cult of spiritual courage, physical endurance, and unmatched battle skill." Basically, these guys kicked ass!! The book meant alot to us because mindset of these particular warriors is so honorable and true. Jeff wanted me to read it because in the end, the real backbone of these men were their wives. The 300 warriors were picked because they had the strongest women. It was the women in their lives that gave them strength.
I'm not a particularly religious person myself, therefore, I have always felt that love is the one thing in this world you could count on. So basically the love that we have is the most real and spiritual thing I have in my life. That may sound a little corny, but that's how it is!!
I got another tattoo myself, but it wasn't nearly as momentous. I have to go Wednesday for the color. (Sorry Mom) At least the tattoos I have are pretty????
Anyway, things are good, as good as they can be. Just missing my man.

Holy cow...

I heard from my husband...he made it there safely. I didn't realize how much better I would feel after I talked with him that first time. I felt like I was holding my breath!! Of course, we got cut off...thought that would happen. We only spoke for a few minutes, but it was great. He got to talk to the little one, so that made her day.
He talked about how cold it is there...we live in the heart of the south....so its even colder to him!!! This morning got the first email from him and one more short phone call. I guess that's pretty good considering he has only been there a few days. He is moving to another location where the communication is supposed to be better, so maybe we won't have long stretches of not talking. At first I was disappointed in myself for being so upset. My mom told me that the first time my dad left, she went to bed for 24 hours. Then she got up, gathered herself, and lived day by day.
She's right. The first few weeks will be sort of like a grieving process. Its only normal to feel sad and upset that your true love has been temporarily taken from you. Temporarily is the key word. This too shall pass......
Now I have to concentrate on getting ready for spring...garden time! I haven't been running as much as i should, so I've got to get back on schedule with that. The little one's birthday is soon, we are planning a big spend the night party!! Give me strength....or a bloody mary!!

He's on his way.....

Well, the day finally came. My husband is on his way to Afghanistan as I type. Don't know when I will talk with him again..maybe in a few days.
I am so lucky that he got to come home for Christmas. We all went to my Mom's and it was fantastic!! On New Year's, the restaurant where I work was closed (imagine that) and the owner said we could have it for the night! A couple of guys that are going with him came and of course several of our friends...it was great!! We had the run of the place...then paid for it the next day!
Now begins the long haul. I begin a new year with a brand new calendar. This calendar has more days than all the rest, I swear it!! I started flipping through to his tenative arrival date. There are a whole lotta days between now and then. I am going to try and break it up as best as I can. When spring starts roll around, I know I will be busier with the garden.
I feel sort of numb right now. I don't think that it has really hit me that I won't be seeing him for so long. Not hearing from him will be the biggest adjustment. We have always tried to let each other know how much we love each other. We have both been through so much heartache and disappointment that when we found each other, we knew we would never take for granted what we have.
My grandfather, father, and stepfather were all in the military and all saw combat. Therefore my grandmother and mother both went through deployments. Deployments that involved combat and lots of not knowing. We both felt like it was our time. Our time to sacrifice, our time to put all other things aside for the bigger picture.
War can seem so romantic when your sitting on your couch watching your tv. You hear about all the love stories, the heroism, the tales of bravery.....it doesn't feel so romantic right now. Actually, one of the definitions of romanticism is "given to thoughts or feelings of adventure, heroism, or love." Well, he most definitely has adventure right now, he is for sure my hero, and i try every day to make him feel loved....maybe this will be a tale of romance. A tale of love found and love reunited and all that sappy stuff.
Yeah, this is the start of a great book! (I'm trying to be positive, really I am!) We'll show 'em! Screw 'em all! Nothin' can stop a love like ours!
Ok, I'm good. Just a little side tracked...trying to find the positive. I am NOT going to be a weepy, depressed left behinder. I'm going to be the strong Spartan wife that sheds no tears and is the real backbone of the warrior. (Read "Gates of Fire" by Steven Pressfield.)
This war ain't got JACK on us baby!
I love my husband, my soldier, my friend. I have to remind myself that I am a part of this too. It helps more than I thought it would. The more I feel in control the better, illusion or not. Time can be your worst enemy or your best friend.
I love you, babe! I am with you always!!!